Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Totally Normal

vacation pic

Got the MRI results and my brain is totally normal, at least structurally...yea!!! No brain tumor for me!

Thought I'd share this amazing sunset picture from our family vacation as a way to celebrate. It sure was pretty...

I'm ready to go back there now! And my kids and I did get our parrots and sugar cane memories and then some...

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Wants

I’ve got the wants lately. I want a new washer and dryer. I want a new, pretty, flat screen TV. I want new clothes. I want a new car. I want a new computer. I just want at the moment. But at the same time I am so utterly and completely tired of being a consumer.

My husband's and my son’s birthdays are the day after one another so I just got a good dose of present buying. And it seems like everyday I’m just in total consumer mode. Whether it’s eating lunch out everyday because it’s easier than trying to pack a lunch. Or eating dinner out more than we should. Or getting one of the kids a treat because they had a really good day or to celebrate some achievement. It just feels like my days are tailored around what money I’m going to spend.

And it’s not like we have a great deal of money to spend at the moment. None in fact. I’m ramping up in a new job and it’s going a bit more slowly than I thought it would so I have very limited money coming in. Geoff is talking about getting a second job to help pay down some of our debt, which we desperately need to do, but I feel like an awful failure that he would need to get a SECOND job after he spends all day working so hard already.

I think that my wanting right now is trying to fill some hole that is in me (and no, it’s not in my head). Whether that be missing the day-to-day routine of a steady job or missing alone time or missing date time with my husband or missing dedicated time to spend with my kids or missing having the time and energy to cook every night. I mean the list is endless of the things I miss right now.

I look at my life right now and I don’t quite know what to make of it. Not that it’s all bad or totally out of control. It’s just really outside of my comfort zone. Which can be good, you know challenge my boundaries and push me to grow and such. But this is just odd. Not bad. Not good. Just odd. In any given moment I feel lost, totally grounded, lonely and surrounded by loved ones all at once. I feel totally chaotic and random, but also like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I suppose I should gain some solace from that fact, but it is currently only serving to increase the oddity.

I never thought I would be working for a real estate investment company doing bookkeeping and project management. I never thought I would be in financial trouble at this stage of my life. I never thought I would have days where I literally have no idea what to do with my children. I never thought I would have trouble connecting with my friends. I never thought I would be here.

But here I am. So I am just trying to get my bearings on a day-to-day basis. And part of my bearings right now is that I’m totally lusting after a new washer and dryer, a totally adorable 3-button sweater coat and a very pretty 42” Sony Bravia.

Good thing Christmas is coming…

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Holes in my Head

For as long as I can remember, I’ve gotten headaches. I remember being a little kid and telling my mom that I had a “headick.” She never believed me because “kids don’t get headaches.” But I did. As I got older they turned into migraines. I never really thought much about them. Just hoped that they didn’t get in the way of important or fun stuff in my day to day life.

They’ve continued to get worse and more frequent as the stress of life increased. I had kids, started my own business, changed jobs, changed careers. I just chalked it up to stress mostly. But over the past few weeks, the headaches have changed. Now I get shooting pain that makes my vision go blurry. And the room starts spinning if I’m walking and look down. And I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes that aren’t really there. So all that along with the fact that I’ve woken up and gone to sleep with a headache for almost 2 weeks finally got me in to see my doctor.

I went in expecting him to say that it’s all stress and to go get a massage. Which he said, but he also recommended that I have an MRI. Which shocked me a bit. I mean, really? An MRI is really necessary? It’s just headaches.

Over the last couple of days of thinking though, I’ve developed two distinct theories about what they are going to find when they do the MRI (and you will notice also distinctly crazy). The first is that they are going to look at my brain and see nothing. They are going to see a perfectly normal female human brain, tell me I’m crazy and shove me out the door. Or they are going to see nothing (here’s where the real crazy comes in), like seriously, nothing. What if the super cool, high tech image pops up on their screens and they see holes. Holes that were carved out by fear and lack of self confidence and crazy. Maybe there’s nothing where there was once the ability to cure cancer or write the next great American novel. Maybe there’s nothing where there should be the intelligence to be the perfect mom or friend or wife. Or maybe there’s just nothing because nothing was ever there.

Now I know, rationally, that MRI’s actually only look at the brain itself. The blood and the structure of it. Not the emotions or aptitude or abilities. But what if? What if they look at my brain and go, well that explains why she’s 31 with no real career or direction. Why she’s crazy.

Or maybe they’ll find a brain tumor or some wires crossed and that will explain the crazy and the headaches. Bonus.

Or maybe, and more realistically, they’ll find that I’m a perfectly normal, woman with migraines. They will write me a prescription for some kind of heavy duty medication and send me home with a smile and a “see that wasn’t so bad” pat on the back.

And I will have to find another reason why I’m crazy. But at least I’ll know I don’t have holes where my potential should be.