The Wants
I’ve got the wants lately. I want a new washer and dryer. I want a new, pretty, flat screen TV. I want new clothes. I want a new car. I want a new computer. I just want at the moment. But at the same time I am so utterly and completely tired of being a consumer.
My husband's and my son’s birthdays are the day after one another so I just got a good dose of present buying. And it seems like everyday I’m just in total consumer mode. Whether it’s eating lunch out everyday because it’s easier than trying to pack a lunch. Or eating dinner out more than we should. Or getting one of the kids a treat because they had a really good day or to celebrate some achievement. It just feels like my days are tailored around what money I’m going to spend.
And it’s not like we have a great deal of money to spend at the moment. None in fact. I’m ramping up in a new job and it’s going a bit more slowly than I thought it would so I have very limited money coming in. Geoff is talking about getting a second job to help pay down some of our debt, which we desperately need to do, but I feel like an awful failure that he would need to get a SECOND job after he spends all day working so hard already.
I think that my wanting right now is trying to fill some hole that is in me (and no, it’s not in my head). Whether that be missing the day-to-day routine of a steady job or missing alone time or missing date time with my husband or missing dedicated time to spend with my kids or missing having the time and energy to cook every night. I mean the list is endless of the things I miss right now.
I look at my life right now and I don’t quite know what to make of it. Not that it’s all bad or totally out of control. It’s just really outside of my comfort zone. Which can be good, you know challenge my boundaries and push me to grow and such. But this is just odd. Not bad. Not good. Just odd. In any given moment I feel lost, totally grounded, lonely and surrounded by loved ones all at once. I feel totally chaotic and random, but also like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I suppose I should gain some solace from that fact, but it is currently only serving to increase the oddity.
I never thought I would be working for a real estate investment company doing bookkeeping and project management. I never thought I would be in financial trouble at this stage of my life. I never thought I would have days where I literally have no idea what to do with my children. I never thought I would have trouble connecting with my friends. I never thought I would be here.
But here I am. So I am just trying to get my bearings on a day-to-day basis. And part of my bearings right now is that I’m totally lusting after a new washer and dryer, a totally adorable 3-button sweater coat and a very pretty 42” Sony Bravia.
Good thing Christmas is coming…
My husband's and my son’s birthdays are the day after one another so I just got a good dose of present buying. And it seems like everyday I’m just in total consumer mode. Whether it’s eating lunch out everyday because it’s easier than trying to pack a lunch. Or eating dinner out more than we should. Or getting one of the kids a treat because they had a really good day or to celebrate some achievement. It just feels like my days are tailored around what money I’m going to spend.
And it’s not like we have a great deal of money to spend at the moment. None in fact. I’m ramping up in a new job and it’s going a bit more slowly than I thought it would so I have very limited money coming in. Geoff is talking about getting a second job to help pay down some of our debt, which we desperately need to do, but I feel like an awful failure that he would need to get a SECOND job after he spends all day working so hard already.
I think that my wanting right now is trying to fill some hole that is in me (and no, it’s not in my head). Whether that be missing the day-to-day routine of a steady job or missing alone time or missing date time with my husband or missing dedicated time to spend with my kids or missing having the time and energy to cook every night. I mean the list is endless of the things I miss right now.
I look at my life right now and I don’t quite know what to make of it. Not that it’s all bad or totally out of control. It’s just really outside of my comfort zone. Which can be good, you know challenge my boundaries and push me to grow and such. But this is just odd. Not bad. Not good. Just odd. In any given moment I feel lost, totally grounded, lonely and surrounded by loved ones all at once. I feel totally chaotic and random, but also like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I suppose I should gain some solace from that fact, but it is currently only serving to increase the oddity.
I never thought I would be working for a real estate investment company doing bookkeeping and project management. I never thought I would be in financial trouble at this stage of my life. I never thought I would have days where I literally have no idea what to do with my children. I never thought I would have trouble connecting with my friends. I never thought I would be here.
But here I am. So I am just trying to get my bearings on a day-to-day basis. And part of my bearings right now is that I’m totally lusting after a new washer and dryer, a totally adorable 3-button sweater coat and a very pretty 42” Sony Bravia.
Good thing Christmas is coming…
posted by at 10:07 AM
2 Comments:
"In any given moment I feel lost, totally grounded, lonely and surrounded by loved ones all at once. I feel totally chaotic and random, but also like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I suppose I should gain some solace from that fact, but it is currently only serving to increase the oddity."
AMEN!!! If you find the answer to solving this (hate to use the term) mid-life crisis-esque moment in time - - please share. I couldn't have put what I'm feeling these days into better words myself.
Of course, I have a lot on my plate right now with the changes I'm going through that only add to the piled chaos... but I sincerely understand the feeling of analyzing your life and only ending up perplexed and numb from it all.
Here's hoping we both discover the comfort of clarity and purpose in our lives. Either that, or maybe we just need to go shopping together ;)
I vote for shopping! I've been trying to figure out a way for us to hang out anyway...
I mean the comfort and clarity thing would be nice too...but shopping just the girls sounds like the perfect immediate gratification thing that's been lacking in my life as of late! ;)
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