Dreams of Forgetting
When I was a kid, I had a dream (or at least I’m pretty sure it was a dream) that my parents forgot me outside and I spent the night on the back porch with the dogs. This was one of those dreams that you are certain actually happened. Even in the face of all contrary evidence, I was completely sure that I had actually slept curled up with our dogs on the concrete in the back of my childhood home.
I can still to this day remember the most vivid details of this dream. We had just gotten home from a trip to Target and I was dawdling on my way into the house from the car. My parents went in before me. When they were both in the house, they simply closed the door and locked it. They then proceeded to unpack what we had bought at the store, get themselves something to drink and go into the living room to watch TV. I started just by knocking at the door, confused and even mildly amused that they weren’t listening. That progressed into loud pounding at the door and yelling to let me in. After doing this for about 15 minutes or so, I remember the knowledge sinking in that they had simply forgotten me. They weren’t being mean or intentionally ignoring me, they had simply forgotten my very existence.
I resigned myself to sleeping outside with the dogs, Winnie and Lorien. I even remember asking them if they would share their food with me, I remember the taste of dog food and the way it crunched in my mouth. I remember the door mat we had then. It was one of those mats that looks like someone cut up a tire and then strung it together with pieces of metal to form an almost chain mail pattern. I remember it being softer than the concrete.
It wasn’t too cold that night, but cool enough that I had to cuddle in between the two dogs to stay warm. I slept fitfully, thinking that my parents would surely come look for me. Morning came and my dad came out the back door to let the dogs in, looked at me and said “What are you doing out here?” I came back in the house and that was it. No one ever talked about how I had just slept outside with the dogs.
I remember being a kid and not ever telling my parents of this dream because I truly did not know if it was real or not. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I finally told my mom about it. She was completely aghast. Mortified even. I was embarrassed and taken right back to being about 8 years old, totally mystified at why my parents would forget about me. I asked her in a very small voice if it had actually happened or if it was just a dream and she almost yelled back that it was just a dream.
The perfect detail still makes me wonder sometimes though. Even though I know it’s ridiculous.
But to this day, I am still afraid that those closest to me will simply forget me. That we won’t talk for awhile and I will call or email them to check in and they won’t answer. Not because they don’t have time or don’t have anything to say, but because they’ve simply forgotten who I am.
Then this afternoon, I walk upstairs and look outside onto our deck and there is my son. Curled up in a little ball, not moving. I rush outside thinking something has happened to him, and he was sound asleep. On the deck. By himself. With his little blue and yellow gardening gloves still on his hands.
I picked him up and took him into his bed to continue sleeping. The whole time fighting tears because in my mind, I was once again on that concrete porch in the back yard, completely confused at why I had been forgotten. I noticed I was whispering under my breath, “I’m so sorry sweet boy.”
I fully expected him to wake up and be really upset. When I asked him what happened he said that he was just waiting for Dada to finish mowing the yard and he was tired. So he wasn’t forgotten. He was simply tired and fell asleep. But I just can’t shake the feeling now. That black, completely still feeling of being forgotten. Of being stood up. It’s a cross between being embarrassed and angry and sad, all at the same time. And I’m terrified that for just a moment, my boy, my beautiful boy, had that feeling.
But he woke up and was greeted by his baby sister trying to poke him in the eye. He awoke with a smile. Knowing he was loved and taken care of. And I am left with the greatest hope of any mother, that my fears do not become my children’s fears.
I can still to this day remember the most vivid details of this dream. We had just gotten home from a trip to Target and I was dawdling on my way into the house from the car. My parents went in before me. When they were both in the house, they simply closed the door and locked it. They then proceeded to unpack what we had bought at the store, get themselves something to drink and go into the living room to watch TV. I started just by knocking at the door, confused and even mildly amused that they weren’t listening. That progressed into loud pounding at the door and yelling to let me in. After doing this for about 15 minutes or so, I remember the knowledge sinking in that they had simply forgotten me. They weren’t being mean or intentionally ignoring me, they had simply forgotten my very existence.
I resigned myself to sleeping outside with the dogs, Winnie and Lorien. I even remember asking them if they would share their food with me, I remember the taste of dog food and the way it crunched in my mouth. I remember the door mat we had then. It was one of those mats that looks like someone cut up a tire and then strung it together with pieces of metal to form an almost chain mail pattern. I remember it being softer than the concrete.
It wasn’t too cold that night, but cool enough that I had to cuddle in between the two dogs to stay warm. I slept fitfully, thinking that my parents would surely come look for me. Morning came and my dad came out the back door to let the dogs in, looked at me and said “What are you doing out here?” I came back in the house and that was it. No one ever talked about how I had just slept outside with the dogs.
I remember being a kid and not ever telling my parents of this dream because I truly did not know if it was real or not. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I finally told my mom about it. She was completely aghast. Mortified even. I was embarrassed and taken right back to being about 8 years old, totally mystified at why my parents would forget about me. I asked her in a very small voice if it had actually happened or if it was just a dream and she almost yelled back that it was just a dream.
The perfect detail still makes me wonder sometimes though. Even though I know it’s ridiculous.
But to this day, I am still afraid that those closest to me will simply forget me. That we won’t talk for awhile and I will call or email them to check in and they won’t answer. Not because they don’t have time or don’t have anything to say, but because they’ve simply forgotten who I am.
Then this afternoon, I walk upstairs and look outside onto our deck and there is my son. Curled up in a little ball, not moving. I rush outside thinking something has happened to him, and he was sound asleep. On the deck. By himself. With his little blue and yellow gardening gloves still on his hands.
I picked him up and took him into his bed to continue sleeping. The whole time fighting tears because in my mind, I was once again on that concrete porch in the back yard, completely confused at why I had been forgotten. I noticed I was whispering under my breath, “I’m so sorry sweet boy.”
I fully expected him to wake up and be really upset. When I asked him what happened he said that he was just waiting for Dada to finish mowing the yard and he was tired. So he wasn’t forgotten. He was simply tired and fell asleep. But I just can’t shake the feeling now. That black, completely still feeling of being forgotten. Of being stood up. It’s a cross between being embarrassed and angry and sad, all at the same time. And I’m terrified that for just a moment, my boy, my beautiful boy, had that feeling.
But he woke up and was greeted by his baby sister trying to poke him in the eye. He awoke with a smile. Knowing he was loved and taken care of. And I am left with the greatest hope of any mother, that my fears do not become my children’s fears.
posted by at 9:41 PM
3 Comments:
wow.
just wowzer.
You and Val need to catch up on dreams together.
Awwww..thanks man...does the ego good. Yeah, I think Valyna and I just need to catch up in general...:)
I second that ;)
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