Swept Under the Rug
I am being swept under the rug and forgotten about. And let me tell you how crappy that feels. I want to cry and throw things at the same time. I want to scream and curl up into a little ball and disappear.
I know I shouldn’t care. This job was one of the most toxic, draining and dead end ordeals I’ve ever been a part of. I was never appreciated. I was never trusted. I was never engaged. I was always taken for granted. I was always questioned. I was always overlooked.
But the board chair just sent out an email to the readership about the annual meeting. He mentioned in one sentence that the board had decided to eliminate my position. In the next “very exciting” sentence he announced that one of the board members had agreed to step in as the interim Director. That was a very definite swipe of the broom across my forehead. It hurt. A lot.
I know I shouldn’t care. But I do. This is my integrity they are seriously fucking with here. I made the conscious decision to stick with this organization even after I knew it would be fruitless. I stayed because I thought I could make a difference and help the organization rise to be a functional and impactful member of our community. I drug them kicking and screaming into at least the mid-90’s as I couldn’t get them to come any further.
And what do I do now? When I see these people around town? Do I look them in the eye and tell them good luck and wish them well? Do I take them out back and kick their ridiculously stupid asses back to where they came from? Do I ignore them completely? How do I function without this affecting me? How do I not take this personally?
I’m angry. I’m sad. And no one around me gets that. Everyone thinks I should be doing cartwheels and jumping jacks over rainbow covered daisies to finally be free from this job. Right now, I’m not. Right now I’m angry and I’m sad and I’m lost.
Maybe that’s where I should be. Lost. Then that will force me to keep moving and force me to find my way. Force me to keep getting up every day and being creative and engaging my life. Thank god I have a 3-year old that won’t let me get away with anything less.
I know I shouldn’t care. This job was one of the most toxic, draining and dead end ordeals I’ve ever been a part of. I was never appreciated. I was never trusted. I was never engaged. I was always taken for granted. I was always questioned. I was always overlooked.
But the board chair just sent out an email to the readership about the annual meeting. He mentioned in one sentence that the board had decided to eliminate my position. In the next “very exciting” sentence he announced that one of the board members had agreed to step in as the interim Director. That was a very definite swipe of the broom across my forehead. It hurt. A lot.
I know I shouldn’t care. But I do. This is my integrity they are seriously fucking with here. I made the conscious decision to stick with this organization even after I knew it would be fruitless. I stayed because I thought I could make a difference and help the organization rise to be a functional and impactful member of our community. I drug them kicking and screaming into at least the mid-90’s as I couldn’t get them to come any further.
And what do I do now? When I see these people around town? Do I look them in the eye and tell them good luck and wish them well? Do I take them out back and kick their ridiculously stupid asses back to where they came from? Do I ignore them completely? How do I function without this affecting me? How do I not take this personally?
I’m angry. I’m sad. And no one around me gets that. Everyone thinks I should be doing cartwheels and jumping jacks over rainbow covered daisies to finally be free from this job. Right now, I’m not. Right now I’m angry and I’m sad and I’m lost.
Maybe that’s where I should be. Lost. Then that will force me to keep moving and force me to find my way. Force me to keep getting up every day and being creative and engaging my life. Thank god I have a 3-year old that won’t let me get away with anything less.
posted by at 7:00 PM
2 Comments:
good set of ripples in the reflecting pool there
"Maybe that’s where I should be. Lost. Then that will force me to keep moving and force me to find my way. Force me to keep getting up every day and being creative and engaging my life."
That completely hits at home for obvious reasons.
Regardless of the different struggles we're facing and the layers that involves, here's hoping that you and I soon find our footing on solid ground...
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