It's a Fat Girl's Name
“What kind of name is Clair?”
“It’s a family name.”
“It’s a fat girl’s name.” - The Breakfast Club
I think my name might be a fat girl’s name too. I was thin my entire life. Then I met my husband and gained some comfort weight. Not a lot, just enough to be a bit cushy. Then we moved and I quit smoking. And I gained more weight. Then I found myself miserable and with no friends and no professional life to speak of and I gained more weight. Then we had our son and I gained yet more. Then we had our daughter and well, more was gained. And then I found an amazing group of really supportive women and was well on my way to losing quite a bit of weight and then my life exploded, again, and it all came back and then some.
This subject is acutely painful for me to write about. I have internalized and emotionalized my weight and looks to the degree that it actually makes me scooch around in my seat uncomfortably. I cannot, will not, say how much I weigh or my size out loud. To anyone. Ever.
My entire life, I was almost always the thin and pretty one in whatever group of friends I was hanging out in. I at least blended in with all the other thin and pretty girls. Now I stand out as the “fluffy” woman who constantly makes fun of herself as an attempt to overcompensate for how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. This is not me. Not even necessarily how I look, but how I look at myself. I mean I’ve never been what you would call nice to myself, but now, there is some true self loathing going on. I look in the mirror every morning and cringe. Every time I eat something, even if it’s something really good for me, and think I should just stop eating entirely.
I’m starting to worry myself. I play it all off nonchalantly most of the time. But when I get honest with myself about it, this is not healthy. In any way shape or form. I haven’t been to my yearly exam yet because I don’t want to get on the scale and have my doc look at me like I’m a walking time bomb Twinkie. I’ve thought about cancelling my cardiologist appointment so that I don’t have to have him look at me with genuine concern. So I don’t have to explain. So I don’t have to have them pity me or judge me.
So I don’t have to pity or judge myself mostly I think. Because I do that every minute of every day it seems. I don’t need to set myself up for a special judgment session by going to see a doctor.
My sorority (yes I was in a sorority) turns 100 years old this year and they are having a big shindig at my college to celebrate and I so badly want to go. I’ve not been back to my school for 7 years, I would love to see old professors and see all the friends who are going to be there and who still live around there. But I probably won’t go because of how I feel that I look. The last time any of these people saw me, I was thin, confident and successful. Now I’m large and anything but confident and successful. Going to see them all and pretending like nothing has changed not only sounds painful to me, but rather impossible. And that makes me sadder than I can tell you. I never thought that I would feel so badly about myself that I would miss an opportunity to see people who are important to me.
I have to do something about this. I cannot hope to find balance and happiness in the rest of my life if I don’t change how I look at myself. I have to learn how to be nicer to myself.
So writing all of this is a big step in and of itself. I’ve never written or spoken about this topic from an objective, honest perspective. And it’s taken me a week to work up to it. So here I am laying it on the line. I don’t have any answers or any goals to speak of. I just wanted to get it out there. Take that first step towards being able to take action. To make this different. To start feeling different. To learn how to be nice to myself. To perhaps start to see myself as others see me already.
“It’s a family name.”
“It’s a fat girl’s name.” - The Breakfast Club
I think my name might be a fat girl’s name too. I was thin my entire life. Then I met my husband and gained some comfort weight. Not a lot, just enough to be a bit cushy. Then we moved and I quit smoking. And I gained more weight. Then I found myself miserable and with no friends and no professional life to speak of and I gained more weight. Then we had our son and I gained yet more. Then we had our daughter and well, more was gained. And then I found an amazing group of really supportive women and was well on my way to losing quite a bit of weight and then my life exploded, again, and it all came back and then some.
This subject is acutely painful for me to write about. I have internalized and emotionalized my weight and looks to the degree that it actually makes me scooch around in my seat uncomfortably. I cannot, will not, say how much I weigh or my size out loud. To anyone. Ever.
My entire life, I was almost always the thin and pretty one in whatever group of friends I was hanging out in. I at least blended in with all the other thin and pretty girls. Now I stand out as the “fluffy” woman who constantly makes fun of herself as an attempt to overcompensate for how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. This is not me. Not even necessarily how I look, but how I look at myself. I mean I’ve never been what you would call nice to myself, but now, there is some true self loathing going on. I look in the mirror every morning and cringe. Every time I eat something, even if it’s something really good for me, and think I should just stop eating entirely.
I’m starting to worry myself. I play it all off nonchalantly most of the time. But when I get honest with myself about it, this is not healthy. In any way shape or form. I haven’t been to my yearly exam yet because I don’t want to get on the scale and have my doc look at me like I’m a walking time bomb Twinkie. I’ve thought about cancelling my cardiologist appointment so that I don’t have to have him look at me with genuine concern. So I don’t have to explain. So I don’t have to have them pity me or judge me.
So I don’t have to pity or judge myself mostly I think. Because I do that every minute of every day it seems. I don’t need to set myself up for a special judgment session by going to see a doctor.
My sorority (yes I was in a sorority) turns 100 years old this year and they are having a big shindig at my college to celebrate and I so badly want to go. I’ve not been back to my school for 7 years, I would love to see old professors and see all the friends who are going to be there and who still live around there. But I probably won’t go because of how I feel that I look. The last time any of these people saw me, I was thin, confident and successful. Now I’m large and anything but confident and successful. Going to see them all and pretending like nothing has changed not only sounds painful to me, but rather impossible. And that makes me sadder than I can tell you. I never thought that I would feel so badly about myself that I would miss an opportunity to see people who are important to me.
I have to do something about this. I cannot hope to find balance and happiness in the rest of my life if I don’t change how I look at myself. I have to learn how to be nicer to myself.
So writing all of this is a big step in and of itself. I’ve never written or spoken about this topic from an objective, honest perspective. And it’s taken me a week to work up to it. So here I am laying it on the line. I don’t have any answers or any goals to speak of. I just wanted to get it out there. Take that first step towards being able to take action. To make this different. To start feeling different. To learn how to be nice to myself. To perhaps start to see myself as others see me already.
posted by at 7:59 AM
2 Comments:
You have to remember that you want to see them because they are important to you, regardless of the changes 7 years have wrought. And that's the EXACT SAME REASON that they want to see YOU, too.
I know you're skin feels wrong right now. I know you want to change that. Good for you, make the change, find something you want and go for it with conviction, even though it's hard.
But don't deny yourself an opportunity to be enjoyed and appreciated for your best and most remembered qualities. Everyone is a work in progress at any given moment. You can't shut down just because you haven't gotten "there" yet. You'd miss too much.
And too many would miss you.
And I agree with Meg.
Additionally, when you wrote "I cannot hope to find balance and happiness in the rest of my life if I don’t change how I look at myself. I have to learn how to be nicer to myself." that sounds soooo much like what I've been telling myself these days. Step one in the healing process was moving to Denver. Step two... well, I'm still working on that one.
We're all guilty of being hard on ourselves for one reason or another. Helskel can completely confirm my self-loathing fits that I fall into from time to time. I'm not a heavy girl, but even us thinner girls have issues. They stem from many places and many assholes in our past, but we need to learn to love ourselves more so 'they' don't win (and I forget that fact too often).
Anyway, I'm in the same self-loathing boat with ya sista. But I still think you need to go to that reunion with your head held high. You'll regret it if you don't. Besides, I'm sure a lot of those people have changed too ;)
Take care of you...
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