Double Up
I can’t sleep. Well actually, I don’t know if I can sleep or not, I haven’t tried yet. Don’t want to. I feel like maybe if I stay up late enough I’ll be able to figure this out. Figure out how to make things better. How to rewind to Wednesday morning when everything seemed like it would be a good day. And then everything went to hell and a hand basket.
See here’s the thing, it appears that I’m in the process of losing another friend. Because I opened my big, fat mouth and questioned the way she treated me. The bitch of it all is that this time, this friend was also my boss. And I’ve spent the last two days in the clarity that pure anger and frustration brings. And then I woke up this morning sad and muddled. The anger is dissipating and the frustration is burning off, leaving sadness and confusion in its wake.
I don’t know what to do now. I know that I should write her back. At least to say, I don’t know what to say to you right now, but I hope to soon. I feel like I am going to throw up every time I think about it. I can’t remember a time when I literally had no clue what to say to someone who was dear to me.
I know that I should probably sever my professional relationship with her in an effort to preserve our friendship. But there is a part of me that wants to be selfish. I want to preserve it all. I want to work with a friend. I want to do THIS work. I don’t want to be left out of this business that I put my heart and soul into for the past 5 months. I may not have invested any savings or 401k’s like she did, but I put everything else I had into it.
And so now I wonder whether I am more sad to lose a friend or to lose something that I put so much of myself into. Am I more worried that I won’t be able to make ends meet without a job or that I won’t ever feel that way about work again?
Where the anger really resides is that I really didn’t do anything wrong. Not that I’m saying she did, exactly. But that the fury still burning comes from the fact that I helped to build this business and it became a part of me, and now that she has decided she doesn’t like what I said to her, she’s cutting me out of it. Entirely. Which is her right I suppose as she’s the owner and I was just hired help. But she doesn’t get that. She doesn’t get that she wasn’t the only one banking their future on the success of this business. She doesn’t get that this was important to me too.
And so it’s really a double loss for me. A friend and a purpose. And that just sucks. Really, really sucks.
See here’s the thing, it appears that I’m in the process of losing another friend. Because I opened my big, fat mouth and questioned the way she treated me. The bitch of it all is that this time, this friend was also my boss. And I’ve spent the last two days in the clarity that pure anger and frustration brings. And then I woke up this morning sad and muddled. The anger is dissipating and the frustration is burning off, leaving sadness and confusion in its wake.
I don’t know what to do now. I know that I should write her back. At least to say, I don’t know what to say to you right now, but I hope to soon. I feel like I am going to throw up every time I think about it. I can’t remember a time when I literally had no clue what to say to someone who was dear to me.
I know that I should probably sever my professional relationship with her in an effort to preserve our friendship. But there is a part of me that wants to be selfish. I want to preserve it all. I want to work with a friend. I want to do THIS work. I don’t want to be left out of this business that I put my heart and soul into for the past 5 months. I may not have invested any savings or 401k’s like she did, but I put everything else I had into it.
And so now I wonder whether I am more sad to lose a friend or to lose something that I put so much of myself into. Am I more worried that I won’t be able to make ends meet without a job or that I won’t ever feel that way about work again?
Where the anger really resides is that I really didn’t do anything wrong. Not that I’m saying she did, exactly. But that the fury still burning comes from the fact that I helped to build this business and it became a part of me, and now that she has decided she doesn’t like what I said to her, she’s cutting me out of it. Entirely. Which is her right I suppose as she’s the owner and I was just hired help. But she doesn’t get that. She doesn’t get that she wasn’t the only one banking their future on the success of this business. She doesn’t get that this was important to me too.
And so it’s really a double loss for me. A friend and a purpose. And that just sucks. Really, really sucks.
posted by at 11:32 PM
2 Comments:
I'm sorry to hear about this. Believe me, I understand where you're coming from and it's not a comfortable place to be.
Recently with me I've been discovering my purpose and heading in that direction - but in doing so I've lost many friends.
And yes, it sucks.
I've got some perspective now and it's better. I guess though that I had perspective all along and that was the trouble.
It is hard and it does suck.
Balance..it's all, always, in the balance.
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