Sunday, February 17, 2008

Putting off Monday

I’m sitting here avoiding sleep. Because if I go to sleep, then when I wake up it will be Monday morning and I will have to face this week with no job. And I’m just not ready to do that yet. More accurately, I’m not ready to face the ramifications of that yet.

The friend that I was doing contract work for took me out to dinner on Friday night and told me that while I was amazing and doing a wonderful job, they just really needed someone with more flexibility. The flexibility that comes from not having any children. The flexibility that comes from not having little dictators rule your life when you have no childcare and no means with which to obtain childcare.

And while I am angry, I am not angry with her. From a business perspective, I completely understand her point. And she’s right. But I am angry at the situation. Because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And that is not a position that I am very good at. The position to accept defeat and move on. And I’m particularly tired of feeling it and being forced to accept it time and time again.

I’m just so tired of the constant struggle. And of course some of that struggle is because of bad financial choices that we’ve made and some of it is completely out of my hands. But it’s still a struggle and I’m still tired and I still don’t have any answers.

Because logic dictates that I just find a “real” job to get us caught up and back on track financially. But it’s completely illogical to get a job just to pay for daycare.

The part that sucks the most I think is that I know exactly what I want to do, but I have no idea how to make money at it and I have no idea where to even start to learn. I just want to write. That’s what I’ve always wanted to do. But I’ve always talked myself out of it or allowed others to do the same in favor of something more practical. Because let’s face it, I know I have a voice and quite a lot to say with that voice, but who really knows if anyone will find any of it even remotely interesting or worthy of publication.

So here I am, avoiding sleep so I can put off Monday for a while longer, hoping that some grand idea will come to me as I sit here and I can wake in the morning and present it to my husband so neither of us has to worry about the fact that we have $400 in our savings account and have more debt than we ever intended. Because I finally have it figured out and we’ll finally figure out how to relax and enjoy our lives instead of always struggling. And we’ll look back at these past few years and tell our children when they are struggling how everyone struggles and its part of life and it just makes you stronger. And I’ll actually be able to believe it.