Friday, March 16, 2007

The Angel and The Auditor

I feel like I have two beings sitting on my shoulders. Each telling me what to do, what not to do, what to think, what to absolutely the hell not think. But instead of them being the typical angle/devil duo, it’s almost like I’ve got an angel on one shoulder and a tax auditor on the other.

The angel is full of “It’ll be alright dear”isms and hope and trust and other such comforting, but ultimately fruitless words of advice and action. The auditor is full of “What do you mean you have to put groceries on the credit card this week?!?”-isms in light of me not having a job yet. The angel just wants me to be happy and follow my dreams. The auditor wants to get bills paid and have a savings account.

The bitch of it is that they both are speaking the truth. Getting the bills paid is a necessary and vital dot on the to-do list. But being happy and following my dreams is becoming equally as important as I get older and watch my kids get older.

I think back to when I was a kid and my dad wasn’t around much. When he was around he was very quiet and totally disengaged. All in the name of getting the bills paid and saving for me for college. Now all of that hard work and some unfortunate circumstances have made him bitter, close to physically disabled and pouring scotch at EXACTLY 5pm. I don’t want that. I would rather have my family have NO creature comforts above the essentials and no social life than reenact my father’s misery.

So, here I am 8 years into a career that I hit the top rung of before turning 30 and realizing that this career makes me miserable. That I really don’t like what I do. That it’s toxic and causes me to make bad choices. I may be good at it, but I don’t think that’s worth it anymore.

So here I am almost 31 trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. And the angel is saying, “That’s right dear, you just take your time, what do your dreams tell you?” And the auditor is saying “Who cares? Where’s the paycheck?!”

Guess that will teach me to listen to voices.