Thursday, July 03, 2008

Everything I've learned, I learned while hopelessly crazy

I seem to be having an onslaught of epiphanies as of late. Some of them come as welcome awakenings and some are hard to swallow, but regardless I thought I’d write them down before they get lost in the morass that is my brain as of late.

1. My egoic attachment is to people not things (see New Earth by Tolle). This is one point that I’ve always had a hard time with integrating into my Buddhist upbringing. The whole idea that suffering originates in attachment to the material. But I’ve always just translated that into stuff, i.e. cars, clothes, jewelry etc. But I’ve not ever really had that sort of attachment to stuff, I always tried as I saw my friends getting attached to things and thought it was the right thing to do, but it never really took. But people? That’s a whole other story. I get completely attached to people and that attachment always brings me pain. Mostly I think because once I let myself get attached to someone, that person becomes a part of my heart for always. Regardless of what happens with our friendship or overall relationship, I will always hold that person dear, unable to let them go.

2. Apparently I have abandonment issues and because of those issues, I’ve essentially been waiting for my husband to leave me for the last 10 years. This has stopped me from letting him completely into my life and heart and soul, which makes me so completely sad I can’t quite express it.

3. I haven’t the faintest idea how to be kind and compassionate towards myself. And this lack of knowledge and ability is what makes it so hard for me when people in my life do things like blowing off my birthday or not staying in touch. Because I don’t know how to be nice to myself, I look to the people in my life to make up for that in whatever way possible. So when my birthday goes by without notice it just compounds my feeling that I don’t really deserve to have it acknowledged in the first place.

4. If I keep asking for the same thing long enough, I will eventually find a way to realize it in my life. For years I’ve been saying that all I really wanted to do was stay home with the kids and write. And because of my son’s health issues, here I am this summer, staying home with the kids and trying to write. The biggest realization here is that even though we may be facing bankruptcy before year’s end, my life is truly a string of choices. I chose to put our financial health first over the last few years and have been working for the entirety of my kids’ lives and we have all suffered for that choice in one way or another, but we’ve been relatively financially stable. Now I am making a choice to put myself and my family first in front of money and my children are thriving and I actually don’t dread waking up in the morning. So the pendulum is swinging back and forth from one extreme to another, hopefully my next step will be to be able to recognize balance enough to swing reasonably close to it.

5. Throughout all of the adversity and successes in my life, I’ve tried to learn something from every experience. The knowledge (or lack thereof) that I’ve gleaned from each experience is what I try so very hard to pass on to others in my life. My passion for knowledge and the passing along of that knowledge can be off-putting and I think can make people feel judged or feel that I think they are weak for doing things differently or for not taking my advice. But in reality, the sheer act of passing on what I’ve learned is enough for me. The opportunity to share my compassion, intelligence, experience and passion with others is enough to fulfill me entirely. Ultimately I think my aim in life is to gather knowledge and share it through compassion. That is what makes me truly feel alive.

In the end, I think all of this just allows me to recognize that when I allow myself to be utterly and authentically true to who I am, without self-censorship; I am closest to living the life I dream. Now if I could just figure out how to not let the daily grind addle my brain into forgetting all of this, I might actually accomplish something.

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8:30 PM  

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