Thursday, April 17, 2008

Crisis of Faith

I think I’m having a crisis of faith. At least that is as close as I can come to describing it. I don’t really have any faith. Faith has always been something that’s eluded me. I’ve grilled friends, professors and ministers into the ground trying to get some sort of empirical understanding of faith and I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

There are moments that I’ve glimpsed it I think. Moments of absolute peace where I just know that everything will work out or that everything is just as it should be. But they are fleeting at best and I’ve never been able to figure out how to translate those moments into everyday life.

My life currently is very quickly spiraling out of control. I’ve spent more time in the doctor’s office with my daughter the past three months than I have the entirety of her life. We are in a real financial crisis that is not going to be solved without some really pain and hardship. I am at a crossroads professionally and I’m trying to figure out which way to go. I’ve come to a place socially where I have the friends who have been with me for over half of my life that know and love me regardless of situation or environment and I have new friends who I am still trying to get to know, but am having a really hard time building history with.

And I don’t know what to do.

That’s the crux of it all. I don’t know what to do. I can’t research this. I can’t talk this through. I can’t make a plan and follow it. There are no clear answers and for the life of me I cannot see a path that makes any sense.

And right now, I wish more than anything, that I could find some faith. Some deep and unrelenting knowledge that I am indeed being taken care of. And that I am a good person doing the best she can to do right by her family and by herself. I need that unquestionable knowledge that faith brings. Because right now, I don’t believe any of that. I won’t go into the self-berating things that I think I know right now because I’m trying to not give that inherent negativity any credence.

But it’s hard.

This is hard.

And I don’t know what to do.


Blogger leomange said...

I have faith... I have faith in you. You have all the power you need. You are loved and admired for who you are, what you've been, and what you've become. Though times may be hard, I know you're strong enough to overcome.

I do hope that that which you have no control over, you'll wisely learn to live with.

And that all turns out well soon enough...

8:30 PM  
Blogger mosaica said...

Thanks friend...I could use all the words of encouragement I can find these days!! Wish you were close enough to hug... :)

2:42 PM  
Blogger Valyna said...

I'm close enough, should you ever need my hugging :)

6:33 PM  
Blogger Helskel said...

It's when faith is in crisis, that it is finally found.

It's when you're caught in the paradox, you know what it is to be centered.

It is the pain, that heals you.

It is the fear, that protects you.

It is by this pursuit of your life, that you survive it.

7:36 AM  
Blogger mosaica said...

I could definitely use some hugging V, and a tasty beverage!

Thanks for the words H, but the thing is, is that I'm tired of surviving. I'm ready for living and loving without the fear and the pain. Hopefully I'll get there someday soon...maybe this is all serving to strip me of the crap I don't need that is preventing me from the living I want to do..

I am exactly where I should be...that's my mantra...I am exactly where I should be....

3:03 PM  
Blogger Helskel said...

Life without fear or pain?


If you find it, let me know.

8:38 AM  

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