Juno

I just went to go see the movie Juno with a couple of girlfriends and now I’m feeling all wistful and weepy and weird. First of all, it’s ohmygod good and you should totally believe all the hype and go see it right now. Drop everything and go see it right now. I’m not kidding.

Second, it’s got me all flip floppy inside. Part of it could be my overall mental state these days which is going back and forth between totally determined and totally defeated. Part of it could be a serious lack of exposure to any kind of culture as of late and thus tonight’s exposure has caused some dust to be blown off of my intellect thus confusing the everyday, run haggard by life part of me. Part of it could be that I’m pretty flip floppy most days and I’m just really paying attention to it right now.

There’s one line when she says, “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.” And she’s 16, so of course she doesn’t really know who she is. But I’m 31 and still trying to figure out what kind of girl I am. I mean I started off in Catholic school with uniforms that so severely androgonized the entire student body you couldn’t always tell where the boys stopped and the girls began. Then moved into middle school when the big bangs were so in and discovered punk. Then high school brought me the epiphany of goth and granola and college encouraged me to find a mix of everything to suit any given day. But nowhere in any of that did I really figure out how to be a girl.

I mean I know how to flaunt my assets with the best of them. I know how to obsess about looks and weight. I know how to worship chocolate and dream about cute boys. But what kind of girl am I? I bought my first real tube of lipstick just about 10 days ago. I started caring what my brows looked like about 6 months ago. I started looking at the women who I’ve surrounded myself with and wondering how they do that. How do they always have pretty hair and makeup? How do they look put together when they are chasing a half naked screaming toddler through the park? Do they know what kind of girl they are? Or are they figuring it out as they go just like me?

I think the real problem is that I don’t even really know what kind of girl I want to be. I know what kind of model I want to show my children. I know what I want to teach my son – absolute respect under all circumstances. I know what I want my daughter to see as the most important feminine traits – absolute strength through nurturing. But what does that mean for my everyday life?

I think I’ve learned to focus on the tangible aspects of being a girl because those are the easiest things to see and change. Waxing your brows, dying your hair, getting a new pair of shoes are all things that I can wrap my head around. Defining my own femininity is just something that escapes me for some reason. Always has. I’ve never known how to just be a girl. I know it must sound strange. But I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s another element of my rebellion. Like there’s a subconscious part of me that sees being a girl as being strapped in by rules and expectations. So by not embracing being a girl, I’m somehow rebelling against those rules and expectations. But like a lot of my rebellion, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere profound. It’s just got me all flip floppy.

I know, I know. Modern women make up their own rules and be who they want to be. But I’m not at all sure I want to be a modern woman. I just want my children to be proud of me, my husband to adore me and my friends to respect me. Well, and being a smoking hot MILF wouldn’t hurt either.