And more with the wanting...
Holy crap have I had a bad day.
My son got sick Thanksgiving week and just as he got better, my daughter got sick and then since I’ve taught them such good sharing skills, they gave it to me. Can I just tell you that there is very little that is worse than being a mother and sick at the same time? Especially when one of your children is sick too and your husband has no time left to take off to help you out so that you can dissolve into the bacterial puddle into which you desperately want to collapse.
I essentially lost 10 days of work between the kids getting sick and me being sick. And when one is only about 8 weeks into a new job, missing 10 days doesn’t make anyone happy. I am now so totally behind that I’ve forgotten half of the stuff I needed to get done. And my employers are irritated that I had to check out on them as well, and rightfully so. And I feel like a schmuck and a failure and like I am not even remotely equipped to be a success at anything right now.
Part of it I’m sure is that I’m feeling sorry for myself, there are so many who have it so much worse than I do. I just felt so completely overwhelmed by my own lack of success and feelings of failure that I just lost it. I locked myself in my bedroom, away from the children and away from everything else. Except for one fabulous, amazing (and of course very pretty) girlfriend that called me back at the exact right moment. She let me cry and told me as many times as she could fit in between my blubbering that I am in fact not a failure and am in fact a wonderful person and mother. It‘s just hard right now. But it’s doable. I can do this.
And she’s right. I can do this. I’m just really tired of doing this. I want financial stability. I want to wake up in the morning and be excited about my day instead of waking up with thinly veiled dread because I either don’t know what I’m going to do with the kids to keep them entertained or because I’m going to feel like a failure at whatever given work task is at hand. I want to enjoy my children instead of feeling like they are just in the way. I want to spend time with my husband. I want to spend fun, quality time with my family. I want to love my work again. I want to go to grad school. I want to write. I want to feel like a good mother again. I want to feel adored and beautiful again.
I just want. And here we are back to the wanting. Aren’t you glad that I’m writing again? So much has changed evidently…oh, yeah, that’s sarcasm. That’s me gearing up for some major change in my life. Because it’s time. Because it’s become painfully obvious that significant change is warranted. It’s time for me to re-evaluate my priorities and then live those priorities.
It’s time for me to feel like an expert again instead of a novice. It’s time for me to be who I am again. I miss me. I know my husband misses me and I’m sure my kids miss me as well.
This whiny, failure feeling, pity party throwing drama queen is not me.
I’m ready to click my heels and have some magic spell take me back to who I am. But the tricky part is that I also know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Now I just have to figure out what the hell I’m doing here.
My son got sick Thanksgiving week and just as he got better, my daughter got sick and then since I’ve taught them such good sharing skills, they gave it to me. Can I just tell you that there is very little that is worse than being a mother and sick at the same time? Especially when one of your children is sick too and your husband has no time left to take off to help you out so that you can dissolve into the bacterial puddle into which you desperately want to collapse.
I essentially lost 10 days of work between the kids getting sick and me being sick. And when one is only about 8 weeks into a new job, missing 10 days doesn’t make anyone happy. I am now so totally behind that I’ve forgotten half of the stuff I needed to get done. And my employers are irritated that I had to check out on them as well, and rightfully so. And I feel like a schmuck and a failure and like I am not even remotely equipped to be a success at anything right now.
Part of it I’m sure is that I’m feeling sorry for myself, there are so many who have it so much worse than I do. I just felt so completely overwhelmed by my own lack of success and feelings of failure that I just lost it. I locked myself in my bedroom, away from the children and away from everything else. Except for one fabulous, amazing (and of course very pretty) girlfriend that called me back at the exact right moment. She let me cry and told me as many times as she could fit in between my blubbering that I am in fact not a failure and am in fact a wonderful person and mother. It‘s just hard right now. But it’s doable. I can do this.
And she’s right. I can do this. I’m just really tired of doing this. I want financial stability. I want to wake up in the morning and be excited about my day instead of waking up with thinly veiled dread because I either don’t know what I’m going to do with the kids to keep them entertained or because I’m going to feel like a failure at whatever given work task is at hand. I want to enjoy my children instead of feeling like they are just in the way. I want to spend time with my husband. I want to spend fun, quality time with my family. I want to love my work again. I want to go to grad school. I want to write. I want to feel like a good mother again. I want to feel adored and beautiful again.
I just want. And here we are back to the wanting. Aren’t you glad that I’m writing again? So much has changed evidently…oh, yeah, that’s sarcasm. That’s me gearing up for some major change in my life. Because it’s time. Because it’s become painfully obvious that significant change is warranted. It’s time for me to re-evaluate my priorities and then live those priorities.
It’s time for me to feel like an expert again instead of a novice. It’s time for me to be who I am again. I miss me. I know my husband misses me and I’m sure my kids miss me as well.
This whiny, failure feeling, pity party throwing drama queen is not me.
I’m ready to click my heels and have some magic spell take me back to who I am. But the tricky part is that I also know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Now I just have to figure out what the hell I’m doing here.
posted by at 5:16 PM
2 Comments:
A new year is always a wonderful time to reflect and seek change. I wish you the best... I have complete faith in you :) You are worthy of a life worth living and we're many years from being "old" - so you better do it now! :D
You *can* do this and it will be okay. The problem with waiting for lightening to strike is that you have to go through the thunderstorm, too. But you'll make it, and soon the rain will stop and you'll be on the other side, making changes and back in your own happy skin. And I'll be right there with you!
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